All Aboard, Mr Monk
by Old Romantic
Summary: Written for Yuletide for Ekaterinn, with the request for a funny case file. Monk works on a case on a special cruise.


**Timeline/Spoilers: **Written after 7x09 – Mr. Monk and the Miracle, but no spoilers, really.  
**Disclaimer:** Not claiming any ownership to the creation of _Monk_. I'm way too busy to have any part of a TV show. Yeah. Right.

**Summary: **Written for Yuletide for Ekaterinn, with the request for a funny case file.

**A/N:** Enjoy!! :D

* * *

Monk's apartment was typically quiet and pristine as Natalie burst in with her phone in hand and a smile on her face. "Mr. Monk?" she began calling out. Knowing he probably wouldn't answer, especially if he was busy cleaning something, she poked her head in the living room and dining room, saying his name again and again. By the time she checked the bedroom and found it empty, she began to wonder if he'd actually ventured out without her.

Yeah, right, she inwardly thought and decided to double-check the apartment once more. "Mr. Mo-onk?" she began to sing as if playing hide-and-seek with a child. She moved back down the hall. "Where aaaare yoooou?" Turning in toward the kitchen, she found the refrigerator door open, Mr. Monk, donning his handy yellow rubber gloves and paper face mask, stood up straight and threw a barely-used paper towel into the garbage can by his leg. "What are you doing? Don't we usually clean the refrigerator on Friday afternoons?"

"Egg broke," he explained. With his face scrunched disgustedly, he sprayed more anti-bacterial cleaner into the egg slots and scrubbed at them. "Wouldn't wait."

Natalie understood him, having been with him long enough to know that the slightest mess would drive him crazy. She relaxed a little and crossed her arms. "Oh, okay. Well, are you almost done? 'Cuz we've got a case," she stated excitedly, waving her phone. "The captain just called and he wants us to come right away."

He was just passing time as he finished up his cleaning, wiping down and closing the refrigerator door. "Where?" he asked, seemingly uninterested.

He was across the room, washing off the cleaner bottle and drying it with another paper towel as Natalie answered, "I'm not sure. Captain said to meet him at the station."

Monk groaned and put the cleaner away under the sink. "Crime scene's probably near the train station," he said, throwing the rest of the used paper towels in the trash. He took off his rubber gloves. "Or the homeless shelter." He tossed them in the garbage can as well. Looking down into it as he did, he gave a loud moan. "Oh god," he said. "Not the garbage dump." He took a couple of steps and slumped over the island, practically whining.

"Oh, come on," Natalie consoled with a gentle rub on his shoulder. "We don't know that. Maybe the captain just doesn't want us to waste gas because the scene is far away."

"No," Monk whined, pulling away from her. "He always has us meet him at the crime scene, never at the station. I'm sure this time he'd much rather be able to trap me in the back of a locked police car—"

Stomping around to stand in front of him, Natalie fussed, "Okay, you cannot dismiss this case before we even get a chance to hear what it involves. Come on, we're going."

"No, wait. I still have to take the trash out."

"Didn't you do that last night and probably this morning?"

"Yes, but that was before the egg—"

"Come on," Natalie demanded, dragging him to the front door by his sleeve.

As Natalie parked her car beside the curb in front of the police station, Monk was still grumbling. "The stench… Oh, god, the smell."

She rolled up the windows, rolling her eyes. "I told you I was sorry about my new perfume. Julie thought it smelled nice and bought it for me and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by not using it."

"No," he shook his head vehemently. "I was talking about what's happening in my apartment right now. Why didn't you just let me take the garbage out?"

Again her eyes rolled. She opened her door as she reminded him, "Because, Mr. Monk…" She paused as she walked around and opened his door to prevent him from sullying his completely disinfected hands. "Somewhere, a plastic factory has just ordered another barrel of oil to keep up with the number of trash bags you go through in a day."

He made a face as he swung his feet out of the car. "It's called commerce," he grumbled. He stood and shifted in his clothes as he got out of the car, straightening invisible wrinkles on his coat and pants. "I'll have to air out my house when we get back."

"It'll be fine," she mumbled loud enough for him to hear, deep-down knowing it wouldn't do much good. He would just do what he needed to do in order to cope with life and there was nothing she could do to change it.

Captain Stottlemeyer was on the phone and pacing when Natalie led the way for Monk, who had to pause to touch every lamp they passed as usual. He'd told her once to go ahead of him in case someone bumped into them and spilled something. That time Natalie had gotten a coffee stain on the bottom half of her shirt had only cemented his resolve and she didn't bother arguing the point.

Natalie's opinion of the captain's expression was that he wasn't happy with whatever news he was receiving. "Okay," he practically growled into the phone. "If there's no other way…" He sighed. "I'll do my best."

"Bad news?" she queried, hoping he'd spill what the phone conversation was about.

"Bad case," he muttered in reply, just as Monk stepped into the room and he clammed up. "I just got off the phone with the mayor, and he insists that you take the lead on this case."

"What case?"

Stottlemeyer sighed again and lowered his body into his chair. "His daughter went on a cruise with some guy – a new boyfriend – and the mayor has reason to believe that she's been kidnapped."

"Kidnapped?" Monk repeated. "Why? How does he know?"

"He received an e-mail demanding ransom when the ship returns to its home port. There are no photos, but, every attempt he's made to contact his daughter, she's been unavailable or won't return his calls. He has reason to believe that it's real."

"So, what am I supposed to do?"

Captain hesitated. "The mayor…wants you to board the ship at the next port –" Monk was already beginning to protest, clarifying the assignment, already complaining about having to go on the water. Stottlemeyer just talked louder over him, "He wants you to try to find her. It's his daughter, Adrian."

He stood up as Monk paced, mumbling something about motion sickness and tiny closets and lots and lots of water. "Look," the captain put up his hand. "All you have to do is find out if she's in any real danger without letting on that you're there at her father's request, and if she is, we'll catch the bad guy."

"No," Monk emphatically stated. "Nope, uh-uh, sorry, I can't help you. You'll have to get someone else."

"Believe me, Monk, I tried. The mayor wouldn't settle for anyone else. Look, the city will pay for it all, and Natalie and Randy and I will all be there for backup."

"Why do you need me? You and the lieutenant can handle it – you do this kind of stuff all the time."

Stottlemeyer was shaking his head even before Monk finished his sentence. "I've met Emma before and so has Randy. If she's not in danger and she notices us poking around, it'll just make her angry with her father. We're going to have to blend in as best we can, like it's just a coincidence that we're on the same cruise. You, on the other hand, will be free to move around and ask questions without being noticed."

Taking a step forward, Monk lifted a finger and reminded, "But it's a boat…on WATER. I don't DO water, remember?" They all recalled too well his last boating adventure that had ended up with him in the bay.

"Oh, Mr. Monk," Natalie optimistically tried, "but this isn't like a boat at all. It's a ship – it's like a hotel, and you've stayed in hotels before."

"Yes, but it's on water!" he argued. "The ocean," he continued with distaste. "On it, in it, surrounded by water!"

Stottlemeyer calmly reiterated, "Adrian, I tried to explain that to the mayor, but he knows you're the best at seeing things the rest of us don't and he wants the best. We don't have a choice."

"No, no, no, no, no…" Monk began to whine as he sank down on the office's couch.

Randy strolled through the door just then and put his hands on his hips. "Well, I'm all packed," he said cheerily. "When do we leave?"

* * *

While Monk was his usual unhappy self with the task ahead of them, Natalie was actually looking forward to the trip. She hadn't been on a cruise since her honeymoon with Mitch nearly twenty years earlier. She bounced along to the music playing in the distance as she boarded the gangplank, trying desperately to forget the stressful flight they took to get to this Mexican port. Monk had not been easy and the three of them had a time keeping him seated – calm was impossible.

The group of four had split up once they'd landed at the airport, to keep it from appearing that they were all together, so Natalie hurried to find the suite she'd share with Monk to try to get him settled. As it was, he was stumbling along beside her, still apparently traumatized by the flight on the small plane, and was only changing directions when she'd push or tug his arm the right way.

She was relieved when she found their room, and used the card key they'd picked up at the desk on their way to open the door. "Okay, Mr. Monk, here we are," she said, keeping up her happy tone, despite how worn out she was already. She held open the door and nudged him inside, pleased when she saw the size of the room. At least she wouldn't have to worry about claustrophobia.

Monk immediately fixated on the windows and the balcony doors. Even though right now there was the view of land outside, Natalie knew that the vast ocean would soon feel intimidating to her boss. "What a nice view," she said, moving to close the blinds on each window. "We'll just shut these for now…" Once that was done, she turned back to him, grabbed his suitcase from their stack of bags that had already been brought to their suite, and led him to the bedroom. "How about a nice nap until dinner, huh?"

"Okay, nap," he repeated nonsensically. He stretched out on the bed as instructed, then mumbling something about small planes. Natalie knew she'd never live that one down, especially with the way he threatened to fire her when they were forcing him on it back in San Francisco. She knew he'd sleep it off and once he woke up in this hotel-styled room, he'd be back to normal – his normal, anyway.

Closing the door behind her, she didn't bother taking care of the rest of the suitcases or even checking to make sure that the couch folded out; she just grabbed her purse and went out for a walk around the ship and for some fresh air.

Walking into the lobby, Natalie smiled. Finally, a break, she thought and then rounded the corner, catching the sight of a lot of skin out of the side of her eye. She turned her head to look and then quickly looked away when she realized that there was a couple sitting in a grouping of chairs, stark naked. "What the…?"

She turned the other direction and saw two more sitting at a bar with nothing on. As she glanced around the room, there were a few more here and there, walking around nude as if it were an everyday occurrence. She started toward the desk to ask what was going on when she saw the welcome sign she'd missed on their way in. It read: "Welcome to the Clothing Optional Cruise." It listed a few reminders, including that clothing was mandatory on deck until they were two miles away from port, but inside, it was always an option.

"Oh…my god." Natalie practically ran back to their room. She'd be lucky if she could get Monk to leave the room at all once he found that out. She spent the next couple of hours unpacking and trying to come up with ideas while she found places for all of his bottled water and extra sheets. It wasn't easy on both counts.

By the time Monk woke up they were already well out to sea, and Natalie knew that the ship would be teaming with nudes both inside and out on the decks. But she had a plan.

Monk was fortunately ready to get down to business. "I guess we should go find Emma and get this over with."

"Yes, that would be a good idea," she agreed. "But first, there's something we need to do." She sat him down on the couch and perched on the edge of the cushion as well to tell him her plan. "Remember that time you were blind?"

"Remember it? Of course I remember it."

"Well, do you remember how relieved you were that if it was 'out of sight,' it was 'out of mind'?"

He nodded. "Why?"

"I just thought, you know, it would be easier for you to get around if you didn't see anything." She picked up a pair of dark sunglasses still in a plastic wrapper and handed them to him. "I bought these for you at the gift shop. You could just keep your eyes closed and wear these, I'll guide you around, and then you won't be afraid of…anything."

"How am I supposed to investigate the case if I can't see anything?"

"Oh, you will," she was quick to concede. "That's the beauty of it; you can open your eyes whenever you feel you need to, but only when I say that it's okay."

Although somewhat suspicious about her motives, Monk agreed to the idea, slipped on the glasses and allowed Natalie to lead the way out into the open. "Okay, close your eyes," she said, and was immediately glad when one of their neighbors came down the hall toward them with nothing on but a friendly smile.

She nearly panicked when Monk's arm brushed against the other person's, but noticed that other that a thoughtful furrowing of his brow and adjusting of his coat, Monk didn't react. Her plan was working.

"Okay, let's go find the captain so we can get Emma's room number from him," she suggested, and they made their way down the hall. She knew that Stottlemeyer had said to meet them on a certain deck at six o'clock, so even though they were late, it was just a matter of finding it…and getting there without Mr. Monk noticing all the nudity. "Okay," she hummed when they arrived on the deck. "This is the right place… Now we just have to find – Oh, there's Lieutenant Disher."

He was sitting in a chair with his back to her, so she called out his name, only to find when he stood up that he was also not wearing anything. But it was too late. Monk had already opened his eyes. "Dah!" he jerked back as if he'd been punched. Then he covered his eyes with one hand.

"Randy, why are you naked?" Natalie asked and Monk lowered his hand just enough to see Randy's head and nothing else so that he could hear his answer.

Randy smirked and casually put his hands on his hips. "Oh, you know, I'm just trying to fit in. I am undercover." He punctuated that sentence with a half-grin.

"Yes! You should be!" Monk harshly whispered. "Get under COVER!"

"Mr. Monk," Natalie chided. She certainly didn't want to give Randy away.

Monk turned to her and noticed, "You're looking at him. How could you look at him?"

"At his face, Mr. Monk. That's all."

When he turned back to Randy, with his hand still up in front of his face, he caught a glance of the rest of the people on the deck and flinched again. "Oh, god, they're ALL naked! What is this, a nude cruise?"

"Yeah, exactly," Randy shrugged, unaffected. "Clothing optional," he grinned. "It's awesome."

"Awesome?! Yeah, awesomely disgusting!" Monk enunciated. "Did you know about this?" he interrogated Natalie.

"Only after we were already on board. But we have a job to do, Mr. Monk," she reminded him. "It's just a few naked people – if you close your eyes and keep your sunglasses on, you won't ever see them, okay?"

He moaned and groaned for a minute and then gave in, knowing there was nothing else he could do. "But I'm invoking a new rule. NO handshakes. Even wipes won't kill those kinds of germs."

"Okay, Mr. Monk," Natalie held in her chuckle. She turned back to Randy. "Do you have the room number?"

"Oh, yeah," he tapped his chest and then laughed. "Forgot. No pockets." He hurried back to his chair to get something out of his shirt.

From behind his hand, Monk scolded Natalie, "You're looking, you're looking."

"Fine," she conceded with a sigh and placed her hand above her eyes as well. Randy handed her a piece of paper when he returned and she thanked him before saying goodbye. "Okay, close your eyes and take my arm," she instructed Monk. "We're going to the Lido deck."

Once in front of Emma's cabin door, Natalie knocked and waited while Monk kept his glasses on and his eyes closed. A moment later, a man answered the door. "Are they clothed?" Monk asked in a mumble and she replied in the affirmative as she pretended to clear her throat. He opened his eyes and took in the room while Natalie asked the questions.

"Hi, we're looking for John and Jill Tyler… Do you know them?"

The man shook his head. "Sorry."

"Really?" Natalie continued to bluff. "Somebody," she pointed toward the hall, "said that they saw Jill come in this room."

Just as she hoped, he stepped out of the way and showed Emma wearing a sundress and casually sitting on one of the twin beds. "Nobody here but us. Sorry," he repeated and with a nod goodbye, he shut the door on them.

They moved a few feet down the hall before talking about the situation. "Well, what do you think?"

"Horrible, it's just awful," he mumbled.

"What? Do you think he was just pretending that everything was okay? You think he's really holding her for ransom?"

"In that small room? I'd have to say yes. What was that, a closet??"

"Mr. Monk, that was a regular inside cabin. It's just like the one Mitch and I stayed in on our honeymoon. Sure, it has twin-sized bunk beds, but squeezing into just one bed every night can be quite romantic," she finished dreamily.

"I'd be sick."

"Yeah, you would be, for sure. But, seriously," she stopped him before he turned the corner and headed back into naked territory. "Was there anything out of the ordinary in there?"

"No," he replied. "She looked happy – or at least as happy as she could be in that…cubicle. Their suitcases were unpacked, the room was clean, her makeup was scattered all over that…toilet-room. Did you see the drain in the middle of the bathroom floor? I think their whole room was their shower."

Natalie chuckled and then told him to put his glasses on and close his eyes. They had to go find the captain.

After she discovered from Randy that the captain had gone back to his room, she came back to collect Monk from the library where she'd left him, and the two went to discuss the case. Stottlemeyer's room, while not as grand as Monk's, was at least large enough to keep Monk from panicking. Captain even had a window, on which he promptly shut the blinds when the detective entered.

"Come in, make yourself comfortable," he said while drying off his hair with a towel.

"Leland," Monk started as he sat down in a chair, "did you know this is a naked cruise?"

"Yes, and I'm sorry about that. In my defense, I didn't know it either until we got here. The mayor didn't mention it."

"Huh," Monk muttered, suddenly putting on the thinking face they all knew too well. "He may not have known," Monk thought out loud. "Maybe that's why Emma hasn't checked in with him and won't return his calls."

"What do you mean?" Stottlemeyer asked as he sank down on the edge of the bed across from Monk and Natalie. "You don't think she's been kidnapped or in any danger?"

"No, she seemed fine."

"It makes sense," Natalie piped in. "She's just turned twenty-one, and her father has been known to be pretty over-protective… I know I wouldn't tell my father about something like this," she lightly laughed.

"I suppose it'll be okay to question her, then. But not me – I'll have Randy bump into her somewhere and strike up a conversation."

"Good," Monk stood up. "So, I can leave now."

Natalie rose to her feet beside him. "Mr. Monk, we're, like, fifty miles out to sea now. We have to wait until the next port to get off."

His calmness was suddenly dissipating. "You mean, I'm stuck here on this ship? With naked people?!"

"It's just for two days," she tried, and then immediately regretted it.

"TWO DAYS?? But…but…I don't have my toothbrush," he tried as an excuse.

Natalie told him, "It's back in our room. And so are your pictures of Trudy, and your extra sheets, and everything else you need. Remember?"

"What about my house? And my city? I need my LAND, Natalie."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Monk," she shrugged, feeling a bit empathetic.

He sat back down and started rocking, holding his face. "Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god…"

Natalie rubbed his back as Stottlemeyer muttered, "I knew this was a bad idea."

She switched gears back to her usual optimism and comforted, "He'll be fine. We'll just stay in our suite with the blinds closed and the time will fly by." Inwardly, she thought for sure that wasn't true.

Stottlemeyer agreed, "Yeah, you're going to have to keep him secluded. I hear that tonight, there's a Conga line that they plan to wrap around the Promenade Deck."

"Ew," Natalie grimaced for Monk's sake. "Well, come on, Mr. Monk," she guided him out of the chair. "I'll order some room service just the way you like it with the food not touching and on separate plates." She managed to lead him the direction of the door. "Maybe we'll even play cards or something."

"This is your fault," he sneered at her.

Thankfully, she never took him seriously. "How's that?"

"If you hadn't made me get on that boat a couple of years ago, we would've never gotten on this case."

"Sure we would have. The mayor demanded that you be the one—"

"It's still your fault."

"No, it's not, Mr. Monk. Things just happen—"

"I know somehow you're to blame. You always get me in these situations…"

They were still bickering even as the door closed behind them.

* * *

Two days later, they made it back to San Francisco and Monk's apartment. Randy had managed to meet up with the mayor's daughter, and although she wasn't that happy with her boyfriend and planned to break up with him after the cruise was over, she was fine. Apparently, the threatening e-mail had been a hoax, possibly sent by someone who'd recognized Emma and wanted to cause some trouble. Emma had admitted that she was sure her father was checking up on her the whole time and hadn't wanted to contact him in fear that he'd make her come home. And it appeared that she didn't have a clue that he thought she might be in trouble.

Monk, on the other hand, spent the two days grumbling that it had been pointless for him to come since all he could do was sit in his suite. Natalie had spent the time reading selections from the library, watching sunsets from the balcony, and keeping Monk calm. Although he called on his vision of Dr. Bell when he was needed, keeping him entertained had proved much more difficult than she would've guessed. Once they were off the ship, he vowed he would never leave land again, either by air or by sea, nor did he ever want to see another naked person for as long as he lived. As it was, Natalie was sure he'd have a hard time looking at Randy again, fully clothed.

Natalie dumped all the bags she was carrying just inside the Monk's door and let out a breath. "Thank God we're back."

Monk suddenly pushed his way past her and stepped over the bags, excusing himself. "Oh… my god!"

"What's your hurry?"

He appeared back around the corner with one handkerchief over his nose, and the other in his hand gripping the straps of a trash bag. "You didn't remind me take this out!" He went outside and reappeared a minute or so later. "Quick, open all the windows!" He hurried to the living room, opening the windows as fast as he could, all the while keeping his face covered with the cloth. "The smell! Mold is growing as we speak! We have to hurry!!"

Natalie watched him, finding the situation completely humorous. Ironically, he acted as if he were on a sinking ship, freaking out even though he regularly had an air purifier running, plug-in air fresheners always filled, and his trash can had a lid.

"Oh, god, I can still smell it," he called out from another room. "I may have to move!"

Natalie chuckled from her spot by the door. She couldn't smell a thing.

_~End_


End file.
